never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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