I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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