Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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