at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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