well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
