her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
