his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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