she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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