I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
