I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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