Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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