im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
