my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
