we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
