I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
