his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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