hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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