I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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