I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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