If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
