i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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