my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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