"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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