I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Pappa wants mamma naked
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's official drugs can't kill me
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
