if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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