Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
