I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
