You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
