It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Never underestimate the power of titties
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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