i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
