I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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