i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
