I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
