Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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