As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
