You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
sarcasm needs its own font
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
