I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
