I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
