He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
