Pappa wants mamma naked
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
