textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
