I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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