so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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