don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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