He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
someone owes me an orgasm
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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