I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
