Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
