How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
