i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
