i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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