You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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